Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A day in the life of a reformed smoker, one moment at a time.

8am: I smoked so much last night I gave myself a sore throat. Which is good for not smoking.

8:05: Tell you you can't do something and that's all you think about. So I told myself if I want one I can have one hoping to ease the pain. Luckily, I didn't do it. 

8:10: Can't remember how to get dressed because all I want to do is smoke. 

8:15: Put on my favorite dress. If I can't do what I want, I will look pretty. 

8:20: I put a full pack of (unopened) cigarettes in my purse. Why? Bc if they're there, I won't freak out as much.

8:25: I don't want to take the adivant but I won't be any less strong if I do.

8:30: I can't do one day at a time. I have to live one moment at a time and that's ok too. Even if it makes it a very long day, everything is only for now. Nothing lasts forever. This, too, shall pass. Just ride it out.

8:45: This patch itches.

8:50: Let's bring it back to running. When you were visualizing yourself running 13.1 miles, it was easy. But when the time came for you to do it, it wasn't so easy the first time. It may not even be the second time around either but right about now running 10 miles is cake to you. So let's give it a couple of times (or days).

9:00: I got to work 30minutes earlier than normal. Scary how much time it wastes. All this and it's not even 930.

9:15: I want a fluffy pillow. I want to go back to sleep and pretend this is over.

9:17:I want a medal for this.

9:30: I think I'm getting sick.

9:40: I need love and support.

9:45: I feel dizzy. Very off balance. Weird out of body experiences going on here.

9:47: I need someone to tell me they love me. And I'm an amazing person. And a hug wouldn't hurt.

9:50: Someone better love me after this.

10: Breathing deeply helps.

10:15: want a present. A big one. 

10:30: Coffee stirrers= my new BFF

10:45: Went for a cigarette "break". Smelled the smoke. Made me feel better.

11:45: Feeling sick. Nauseated. Not cool. 

12: I imagine this is what drug addicts feel like, only slightly worse. Isn't smoking supposed to be as addicting as heroine? Good God. I'm comparing myself to a heroine addict. 

12:30: Laid my head on my desk and worked that way for awhile. It felt better. A co-worker asked if it was really that bad. Clearly, she had never smoked a day in her day. 

12:45: Force feed myself. Drink a diet coke. It helps.

1:00pm: It's hard to make phonecalls (I call my mom/sister everyday at lunch) without a cigarette. So I paced. 

1:30pm: I can beat this. I will beat this. 

2:00: I've only quit for 14hours and I was asleep for 7 of them. Fuck.

2:30: I'm rewarding myself with pinkberry. So much for all that weight I lost. But at least I won't have to buy new clothes.

3: I really want a present.

3:30: This whole having a patch on isn't so bad. I do still feel light headed but I'm not craving a cigarette as long as there is a stirrer in my mouth.

3:35: Tried to convince the mailguy to buy me French fries on Friday for quitting. I don't think it worked. 

3:45: Got pinkberry. I hope I enjoyed being skinnier for those few months.

4:05: I would like to smell smoke now.

4:10: I want to reward myself but I don't know what I want but I know I want something. Maybe a lululemon outfit?

4:15: I need a hug.

4:20: I would really like to smell smoke now.

4:30: Couldn't find my smoking buddy so I made my boss go down and smoke "with" me. He didn't think it was a good idea but for some strange reason no one has argued with me today.

4:50: I have demanded presents from everyone in my cubicle area for not smoking all day. I have decided I need a present everyday for the first week and then once a week for the rest of my life. Completely reasonable.

5: Nonsmokers are upset that I'm getting presents. Well. You should've started smoking. Not my fault.

5:15: Getting quite annoyed with all this "advice" from non-smokers. Humans who have never touched a cigarette, kudos to you, but please keep your opinions to yourself. Trust me, you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about, because if you did, you would realize how dangerous shelling out your wisdom to me is right now. Must walk away before homicidal thoughts occur.

5:30: I feel like I have mentally run an entire marathon. It really is a mind game.

6: I just went to Duane Reade for gum and dum dums. The coffee stirrer was cool but I feel like a sleazy old man.

6:15: I am awesome. 

6:20: Almost 12 hours. (since I've been awake)

6:30: Talked to my brother. I was so happy we were talking, I forgot about smoking on the phone.

7: Cooked dinner. Would like a cigarette.

7:30: Talked to my mom. Started to crave a cigarette. Put my niece on the phone. I was better.

8: Wondering if I called my roommate to find out where she was and to see if she could come home asap to smoke a cigarette for me would be crazy.

8:15: decide to figure out how to use my new Sony Walkman (separate post on that at a later date, when I can concentrate on something other than a cigarette).

8:20: almost threw the damn thing out the window. Why doesn't Sony want to be compatible with Mac?! 

8:25: figured it out.

9: Roommate home! Forced her to smoke a cigarette for me. 

9:30: decided it was bedtime because I don't have anything else to do and I want this feeling to go away.

9:45: Took a Nyquil. Throat is still hurting. Bring on the crazy ass dreams, Niqoderm! 



  1. This is awesome, very funny! I just decided 20 minutes ago I'm a non smoker. I had this crazy epiphany, and wrote myself a long letter (in dry-erase marker) on my bathroom mirror about how I "want to be my best self". I cut up a whole pack of smokes with scissors. I've been smoking for 7 years, and I was only a non smoker for 6 months of those years. I hope you are still not smoking. I feel the most confidant in myself this time quitting. Its gonna suck balls but I know I can do it. Thanks for writing this!

    1. Hi Cat! Thanks for finding my blog and it giving you some inspiration. Congrats on making that decision, I know it's a hard one.

      It's been well over a year and I can tell you that I'm still a non-smoker with no relapse! And if I can do it, anyone can, trust me. I'm still a big fan of smokers. Even now and then when I smell it, I smile. It brings back memories. I mean, 13 yrs of my life is a long time!

      My only advice is yes, it's going to suck for a couple of days maybe even weeks (I used the patch and every time I went down in dosage, that 1st day sucked) but I promise it gets better. And once it gets better, do you really want to go through all that again? Dealing with life can be handled without a cigarette, it's just finding a different outlet.

      Hope all this helps, feel free to email me if need be. I'll be more than happy to talk.

      Good luck, you totally got this!